The impending surgery

I have never been big on writing in journals, keeping diaries, or blogging. In fact this is a first for me and I'm probably going to be terrible at it but I find myself sitting here at midnight unable to sleep for several reasons and it just popped into my head that i need to do this not just for myself but for others who are curious about abdominoplasty. Don't get me wrong I plan on keeping this up and writing about my life, and my family more than anything but with the surgery only a week away I feel the need to start with that.
There seems to be a stigma about cosmetic surgery and why people do it. I feel like to each their own, that everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, to love their body. Maybe you'd understand my reason's for wanting to do it if you knew a little backstory...

When i was 13 and all my friends were strutting around in bikini's I never did, I always covered up with a baggy t-shirt. I know now that i was being silly, I was tiny and had nothing to feel embarrassed about but at the time i already had terrible self esteem and hated looking at myself in the mirror. I never saw myself as pretty. Fast forward to finding out I was pregnant at 17.... the idea of gaining weight and having a baby at that age was terrifying. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and by the end i was more than eager to meet my baby. 2 weeks past my due date and nothing so they induced me and after a full day, night and another half day of intense labor I was stuck at 5cm's and not budging. Then came the news that i needed a c-section. 2 hours later on April 10th 2001 my 8lbs 4oz. daughter Emily Elizabeth was placed in my arms. She was perfect in every way and she became my whole world.
I was very naive and just assumed my body would go back to the way it was before but after 2 weeks i realized it wasn't going to. My skin wasn't bouncing back, it sagged over my incision. I assumed exercise would fix it but being a teen mom with a new baby i did not have much time for that.
Emily passed away on June 26th 2001 from SIDS. Nothing in life prepares you for waking up to find your child not breathing, to have to preform CPR on a baby. To be questioned by police like a criminal while your child is being rushed to the hospital. Nothing prepares you for being told your 2 1/2 month old perfectly healthy baby girl died with no reasonable explanation.

I sunk into a very deep depression after losing her and to be honest a lot of that time is blank. I found out i was pregnant again about 4 months later and i don't remember a lot of the pregnancy but i do know that it's where my habits of emotional eating started. I put on a lot of weight with my second pregnancy and Austin was born on July 12th 2002 at 9lbs 4oz by planned c-section a week before my 19th birthday. Having Austin saved me in a lot of ways but I was still depressed. My mom finally forced me to talk to a doctor and go on anti depressants a few months after he was born and they helped for a while. I didn't lose much of the weight i gained with Austin before I was pregnant with my third born Alyssa on March 7th 2005 at 9lbs 2oz (planned c-section) After she was born I lost 20lbs just by cutting down on carbs and the loose skin just got saggier which is where i lost the motivation to continue. My fourth child Connor was born on September 2nd 2008 at a whopping 10lbs 4oz (planned c-section) he had a stroke at birth and for the first year of his life i watched him like a hawk, I was terrified....More emotional eating....
He is 5 now though and as normal and healthy as most 5 year old boys :)
Isabella was born on October 12th 2010, 8lbs 13oz by yet again a planned c-section. While they had me cut open they told me it was necessary that they do a tubal ligation because there was too much damage to my uterus to handle any more pregnancies so she became my last.

It was in May of 2011 where I finally got the motivation to do something about my body I was sitting at 199lbs. I lost 50lbs by May of 2012 which is when I finally married my children's father ;) I was 149lbs on my wedding day and though i had wished to have lost more my body didn't seem to want to budge from there. No amount of exercise would tighten up the skin on my stomach at all. I finally got the nerve to ask my doctor to refer me to a plastic surgeon to talk about having a tummy tuck done. I met with my surgeon in June of 2012 and I didn't get a date for my surgery until 2 months ago. I did let myself slip with diet/exercise in the year+ i waited for this surgery I weigh 157 today, 1 week before my tummy tuck will be done. I wish that i were closer to my ideal weight but putting this surgery off any longer is out of the question for me, I've waited too long for this.

I've been with my husband for 14 years.... 14 years of not being able to have sex with any lights on. 14 years of locking the door while i shower because i don't want him to see me naked in the light. 14 years of struggling to orgasm simply because if his hand touches the skin on my belly it turns me off instantly or i can't stop my mind from thinking how gross I look in certain positions .... I know it sounds ridiculous and i know my husband loves me for me, he tells me I'm perfect the way i am all the time. It's me. This surgery probably won't fix how i see myself but it will help me feel more comfortable with my body and that's enough for now I can work on being happy with the rest after.

I don't want people to think that i regret the pregnancies/c-sections, I absolutely don't but i can't lie and say that i love every stretch mark simply because i gained them through pregnancy. My children are my everything, my every breath. I've sacrificed so much for them and I'd do it time and time again but just this once I'm doing something for me. Something that benefits only me.

Sorry if this has been all over the place...It is now 1:00 in the morning, I'm finally tired enough to fall asleep. I'll be brave and add pictures in my next post :)